How do you know you are gay ?

Many people ask me : "How do you know you are gay ?"

How am I supposed to answer that ?

"How did you know you were straight ? From watching TV ?"

What is worse, are those bigots out there who think that being gay is a lifestyle. Come on ! We live in a place where every mention of the word "gay" and every film with gay theme is censored by our government.

Everything I learnt in life was telling me how to be straight. I didn't even know about such thing as "gayness" while I was young. How the heck did I choose it ?

Homosexuals in most societies, especially Singapore, are being discriminated against. I face a lot of disadvantages here (employment, marriage, housing, etc), so why do I want to live this lifestyle if I can choose ?

What ? The sex ? As if the straight-laced mainstream society is not bonking and enjoying sex ? So tell me, why on earth do I want to choose to be gay ?

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In primary school, I liked to peep at other guys while urinating at the urinals. Medical checkups in school were also a source for me to enjoy my sightings. Once, a classmate showed me his dick commenting that his was cut (circumcised), unlike the rest of us. I enjoyed looking at it.

Come Secondary school, I was a librarian. I read "Family Medicine" encyclopedia whenever I had the chance. Liked to look at the diagrams and photographs of the male body, especially the genitals. Extensive reading led me to conclude that my interest in other people's penis is mainly part of puberty and is a phase that everyone goes through.

In the meantime, I had girlfriends, just like everyone else. It was a hip thing to do. Having a gf was a status symbol.

Secretly, I have always fantasized sexual encounters with cute guys I saw in my school.

This "phase" never ended. Even when I masturbated, I had images of guys in my head. When I look at pornography, I look at the guys. Even in wet dreams, they are images of guys. Never once did I climax with an image of a woman in my mind.

So after a while, in JC, I started to admit that I might be bisexual. Still, no actual sexual experiences with any girl. I guess admitting to myself that I am a bi is somehow easier to accept.

Army was the time that I was quite sure I am gay. I enjoyed the showers, looking around at the other guys. Of course, I had to be careful not to sprout an erection and give myself away.

That was also the age where I had my first voluntary sexual encounter. (Yes, I was molested by a man before, when I was in Sec. 1, but it was hardly traumatizing and I am sure it had nothing to do with my being gay.)

Till today, I had a few relationships with guys, and countless gay sexual encounters. I have come to accept that I am gay, has been, and always will be.

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"So how do you know you are gay ?"

I know because that is what my heart is telling me. I like men - in general of course, not all men.

I know because after all these years of brainwashing by society, government, friends and relatives, I still like men more than women.

I know because after knowing that I will have to lead a life of secrecy, discrimiation, unfair policies and disappointing parents should I not become straight, I still love men and I love to have sex with attractive men.

I know because I understand myself more and this is natural for me.