My Girlfriends...

Secondary School

I had my first crush on a girl in Secondary 2. It was just it, a crush. Did not become girlfriend, as she rejected my advances. However, during the time when I told my classmates that I was interested in her, one of the other guys also said he was interested in her.

Now, this other guy is slightly taller, sportier and more outspoken. Oh no, I was doomed to failure. No matter - I would have fantasies and dreams of him being beaten and cucumber raped by some sexually perverted hooligan and I would be the hero to rescue him, hold him and let him cry in my arms... *turn-table scatches, background music comes to a halt*

Wait a minute. Why am I having this ? Is it my inner sexual perversion raising its head, or am I just emotionally trying to reduce his masculinity.


Junior College

My very first official girlfriend. We were in the same ECA. She wasn't all that ravishing, but she has personality that I like.

No full sexual encounters, but basically light petting, kissing, hugging. I guess that is all.

Broke up after about 3 months. I guess what I was looking for is a "partner" is the emotional sense. Maybe I wanted a girlfriend to look "normal" and more "desirable" ? I am not sure.

During JC, I was telling my close friends that I was bisexual. Maybe I am simply unable to accept that I was gay, and telling myself that I am bisexual is a "baby-step" in that direction.

University

Got to know a much younger girl and I went after her. She was demure and pretty. I really do not know why, but I think I am still in the "bisexual" phase.

Anyway, it didn't last long, and there was nothing sexual either.


*****

Throughout all these times, even when I had my girlfriends, no thoughts nor dreams (at least, none that I could remember) that is even remotely sexual about girls. Whenever I had wet dreams, it would be with guys.

On hindsight, I guess I should have easily convinced myself that I was gay. But pressure from society, wanting to be normal, wanting to be the majority, not wanting to be ostracised or to face the pressure and discrimination should my family and friends come to know about it - are all too overwhelming.

Whoever says that being gay is a chosen lifestyle and can be changed, is like telling a left-handed person to learn and use his/her right hand - It merely changes the behaviour, not the cause. That would be asking me to lead a straight lifestyle, and put up an act for the whole world to see.

Is that a really healthy lifestyle ?