Being Closet in the Army

Almost every year, for the past 7 years, I have been called back for my reservist In-Camp Training.

Every time, I get to know of more people getting married, or having more kids. Everyone is sprouting families all over. Except for a few, of course. But most of the are still young.

This time round, nothing has changed. More people got married. More kids. And conversations, other than on military stuff, will turn to work, but mostly about kids.

How do I join in ? Listen and fake interest in their experiences in the delivery room, their passage from being a husband to a father.

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Once in a while, jokes, teasing about each other pops up. When you have all men together, gay jokes are common. (Or is it just that I am with a bunch of perverts ?) Pretending to want to seduce each other, turning almost all military equipment into phallic objects, and talking about experiences of meeting the GLBTs.

To hear from a medic, that he will feel violated if the doctor checking on his piles turns out to be gay. He feels disgusted that doctors in a Singapore hospital is humping each other and telling the nurses about their "sexcapades". And I used to think that he was more open-minded.

And he doesn't mind if a policewoman were to strip search him, but to be even touched by a gay doctor at the "sensitive parts" is a big no-no.

Lots of little talk here and there. And here I am, joining in at the sexual jokes, but not doing much to change their attitudes about GLBTs. I can only say so much, without giving myself away.

I will know when they start to suspect I am gay - when they no longer laugh after I say "Come over to my bunk tonight, I want your ass again.."

It's something about straight men that I cannot understand. You can take all the teasing, and even pretending to be humped in the rear, by another straight men, all in the name of fun and humour. But once the joke comes out of a gay man, they start trembling in fear of their rears... As if gay men have no taste ????

I cannot understand it, because I can participate in sexual jokes about men, women and even animals, without feeling disgusted. Afterall, I do not fancy women, and I definitely do not hump animals, but it is all just talk. So why is it different when the same joke comes out from someone with different sexual orientation ?

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It doesn't help that my unit is small, and there are no more than 65 people (thereabouts) involved. Everyone knows everyone else by full name and the name of their kids. Throw in another 6 to 10 instructors, and that's it ! Less than 80 people.

Somehow, the law of statistics says that there should be about 5 to 10 homosexuals and/or bisexuals. Either my gaydar has been rendered inoperative by all the military equipment around, or all of us are just too good at hiding ? Where are the other 4, at least ?