Self Actualization ?

I have recently lost passion in the work that I do. I don't know whether I should attribute it to the lack of fulfilment, or overdose of politics that I had to deal with. Whatever the case, it brought me to wonder what I wanted in my life and what do I actually want to do with it.

Earning the dough is fine and good. But somehow, it starts to feel that though the money is good, it probably is not worth it. Not worth making myself miserable. Can I settle for less and do something that I like ?

And WHAT would I like to do ? For a while, wanting to contribute to the homosexual community comes to my mind. Maybe it is for the feeling that I want to do something that people appreciate. And for once, I want to do something that I do not need to justify with ROI, bottom-lines and all that materialism/capitalism.

But again, I feel that in Singapore its hard to do that alone and yet able to get enough dough to upkeep the lifestyle that I want (no, just a car and a nice place to stay. I don't need LV or Armani at all) and tame the insecurities of retiring in Singapore with its raising medical costs and such.

Maybe that is why the urge to move out to my dreamland is stronger. So that I can actually start doing the things that I like, instead of selling my soul right now.

Somedays, I feel that I am being more cynical, more sacarstic, more evil-mouthed because of not having my self actualization and that is making me bitter in life.

Something's Amiss

And I don't know what it is.

I have felt very distant from the recent National Day celebrations. I have felt hopeless in my career. I have felt left out in the recent IndigNation.

Why do I have this overbearing sense of apathy ? Why do I have this feeling of pessimism in my life. Am I having a mid-life crisis ? Am I already in the middle of my life ? Does that mean I will live up to only 60+ years old ?