Gay vs. Career - Mutually Exclusive ?

Being a gay guy, it seems like it might be affecting my career. I think I am not the only one. It is more common that we think, I think.

How does it affect my career ?

Well, I guess the obvious that "coming-out" and being openly gay might not be as easy. Sure, I know of many people who are openly gay in the office. Most of those are in lines that are creative, arty-farty. Not many in a traditional office set up, even though there are.

I have yet to see/meet any asian guys, working in any company in Singapore, in the positions of "Regional Sales Director", "Regional Marketing Manager" or "Business Development Manager" being openly gay in the office. (Well, if you are, feel free to contact me. I would like to broaden my views.)

I also haven't heard of any CEO who are openly gay. Yeah, you can say I am ambitious, sometimes. :)

I am in the Sales line, in the IT industry. Now, being openly gay may not sit well with many of my customers regionally, thus it is still unthinkable for me to be "out".

So I am doomed to lead a double life, even though I know some of my colleagues shouldn't have any problems knowing I am gay. Problem is, I am not sure about my boss, who has divulged once, though long time ago, that it makes him feel strange to have personal encounter with what seems like a Lesbian journalist interviewing him.

At least, for now.

And destined to stay in low or middle management as long as I am not married with kids ? (Some employers view it as being committed and matured.)

Or that I have to be in an industry where being openly gay is accepted, or start my own company so that I can lead an integrated social and work life ?

Even then, I know of a friend who started his own company, but is still afraid of revealing to his staff that he is gay. Maybe that is just him ?

My Girlfriends...

Secondary School

I had my first crush on a girl in Secondary 2. It was just it, a crush. Did not become girlfriend, as she rejected my advances. However, during the time when I told my classmates that I was interested in her, one of the other guys also said he was interested in her.

Now, this other guy is slightly taller, sportier and more outspoken. Oh no, I was doomed to failure. No matter - I would have fantasies and dreams of him being beaten and cucumber raped by some sexually perverted hooligan and I would be the hero to rescue him, hold him and let him cry in my arms... *turn-table scatches, background music comes to a halt*

Wait a minute. Why am I having this ? Is it my inner sexual perversion raising its head, or am I just emotionally trying to reduce his masculinity.


Junior College

My very first official girlfriend. We were in the same ECA. She wasn't all that ravishing, but she has personality that I like.

No full sexual encounters, but basically light petting, kissing, hugging. I guess that is all.

Broke up after about 3 months. I guess what I was looking for is a "partner" is the emotional sense. Maybe I wanted a girlfriend to look "normal" and more "desirable" ? I am not sure.

During JC, I was telling my close friends that I was bisexual. Maybe I am simply unable to accept that I was gay, and telling myself that I am bisexual is a "baby-step" in that direction.

University

Got to know a much younger girl and I went after her. She was demure and pretty. I really do not know why, but I think I am still in the "bisexual" phase.

Anyway, it didn't last long, and there was nothing sexual either.


*****

Throughout all these times, even when I had my girlfriends, no thoughts nor dreams (at least, none that I could remember) that is even remotely sexual about girls. Whenever I had wet dreams, it would be with guys.

On hindsight, I guess I should have easily convinced myself that I was gay. But pressure from society, wanting to be normal, wanting to be the majority, not wanting to be ostracised or to face the pressure and discrimination should my family and friends come to know about it - are all too overwhelming.

Whoever says that being gay is a chosen lifestyle and can be changed, is like telling a left-handed person to learn and use his/her right hand - It merely changes the behaviour, not the cause. That would be asking me to lead a straight lifestyle, and put up an act for the whole world to see.

Is that a really healthy lifestyle ?