My Tripartite Gay Relationships

I have been "unconventional" in some areas of my life. Mainly my sexual orientation and my sexual activities.

In a straight relationship, it is usually a male and a female. Most of the time, monogamy is imposed. However, for a gay relationship, why are the same set of relationship rules imposed ?

I have talked about some gays having an open relationship. That is just one small step from being unconventional. But then, I do not have statistics on straight open relationships, so I can hardly be the authority here.

Today, I want to talk about my previous experience in a tripartite relationship. No, it is not a 3some sex adventure. It is about trying to have a "triangular love relationship" for the long term.

I met my bf when I was 23 and he was 19. We were both studying in the same local university. How we met is another story for later, maybe. We become attached after about 3 months of courtship on my part. As it was the first gay relationship for both of us, we decided to keep our options open and have the famous open relationship.

We agreed that love is more important than sex. Being young and horny, if one needed release from sexual tension and the other is not around, horse-play with another guy is ok. As long as no emotional affairs.

After about 1 year, he met another guy at the work place while on internship. At first it was just sex. But I guess the other guy liked him a lot too (see, I have pretty good taste in guys as well) and treated him pretty well. Let's call the other guy Will and my bf Pete (not their real names).

Will was showering Pete with lots of love. Gifts, tenderness and attention to details. The sexual affair become close to heart. When I felt that Pete likes Will too, I was open enough to try a tripartite relationship.

Around that time, I was quite active in newsgroups. (SiGNeL is still alive today, though I have out of the list for many years already.) At that time, there was a discussion on whether a tripartite relationship can work in life.

Of course, being the unconventional one, I was one of the few that said it could work. Provided that none of the parties should feel jealous at all and love everyone almost equally. Well, almost like the conditions for an open relationship except for the part about not getting emotionally involved. Here, for a tripartite relationship to work, all parties must get emotionally involved, and with all other parties as well, not just one.

Thus, with such complication, statistically it should be in the minority of the minority.

Time to put my theory to real life. I told Pete that I would like to integrate Will into our lives. Afterall, our relationship is not exactly typical, so why not try something new.

I met Will, and 3 of us went out for a date. Watched movies, had coffee and chatted. Even spent the night together at his place, but no sex at all. It looked promising, I enjoyed talking to him and we all enjoyed our time going to beaches and shopping.

After a couple of months, I started to feel jealous. I guess I was jealous that I had to share Pete. Will, on the other hand, doesn't seem to exhibit that jealousy. Maybe because being the 3rd party, he was glad to have enjoyed every single minute he had with Pete.

My jealousy extended from the fact that Will seemed to be more attentive and more romantic than I ever had (or ever will be). I was afraid to lose my love. I was afraid that if it went on any longer, Pete will love Will more than me.

I confided in a friend. My friend then came to tell Pete to make a choice.

That night, it was a sad night, with lots of heartache and tears for all involved. But Pete chose me over Will. It took us a while to get over it. Rather it took Pete a while to get over not seeing Will anytime soon.

And so ended my attempt. My own jealousy tipped the balance. Maybe if it went on any longer, something else might have happened. Who knows what the alternate future holds. For now, I know for a fact that jealousy is a strong emotion.

I couldn't, for more than 3 months, prove my theory of having a fruitful tripartite gay relationship.

On hindsight, it also could be that 3 of us did not have sex together to bond. Yeah, I know, that sounded so straight ! (Damn ! I missed my chance to have sex with Will. Ha ha.)

Bear that in mind, when I tell you about my second attempt. (Oh, you didn't notice the "s" in my blog title, did you?)

Get Your Facts, Straight!

An SGBoy Article, Get Your Facts, Straight!, which I agree to a lot. I could add more to the list too.

*****

Get Your Facts, Straight! If I get a dollar every time I have to tell another straight acquaintance that my favourite colour is not pink...

Date : 24 Feb 2005
Writer : Fresnik Tan

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against pink. But the colour makes me feel too fluffy. But along with my sexual orientation comes a host of stereotypes which I must fend off - much like flies over an open wound. So, for the convenience of future encounters, I've decided to create a handy list of sorts, to re-educate the ill-informed straight folks out there.

Our favourite colour is NOT NECESSARILY PINK!
I'd thought I'd just get that out of the way first...

We do not wear make-up and sway our hips as we walk.
Well, not all of us anyway. Being gay has frequently been equated to being effeminate. The typical hand-swisher is the image du jour when it comes to imagining a gay individual. The truth is, yes there's a percentage of us who love their boas and sequins, but there's also a group of us who's into hiking, sports and roughing it out.

We have preferences too, ya know!
One of the most common fear of straight people when they find out about a friend being gay, is that they might get molested by the individual. Most of us might have experienced or seen the reaction of certain army guys when they find out one of their colleague is a homosexual. Quips like, 'Don't rape me in my sleep!' and 'Must shower with underwear now.' Are totally uncalled for. My point - we have preferences too! We are not doing a Desperate Housewives here, and we most certainly do not want to get it on with anything that has something in between their legs.

We do not all wear tight tees and go to the gym.
At the other end of the spectrum, we have our gym bunnies who dedicate the whole of their waking non-working hours to the art of beautifying the shrine that is their body. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but this image is fast replacing the other as this millennia's epitome of a gay man. From queer queen to brainless bunny, I'm not about to call it an advancement. Luckily, the truth is far from this 'branding' the media has helped in tagging to us. We have our bookworms and homebodies, our athletes and our artists, to flesh out the community, so please remember that. And this leads me to my next point...

We do not just go for hunks.
Yes, they're really nice. Hunks I mean. Those with chiseled features, buff bods and good grooming goes down well with most of us, but at the end of the day, we will usually have a preference for someone else to settle down with. We have those who are into chubs or skinnies, tall giants and rugged dwarfs, aristocratic scholars or sun-beaten sportsmen. You name it, we have someone who loves them.

Being gay doesn't necessarily mean we have taste.
Stop asking me for fashion advice. I for one can't differentiate a Hugo suit from a Domanchi one without looking at the label. Ask me what goes better with black, pinstripes or tartan and I'll just say, 'Whatever's comfortable'. The media has relegated gay people to being trendsetters and followers, heavily involved in the creative industries. But the truth is it doesn't gift everyone of us with a sense of taste. Too often I've seen many gay men wear the most ridiculous and distastefully loud garbs out on the streets and misconstrue some of the stares to be that of an appreciative one. If you want to be fashionable, do your homework.

It's not just about sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Some of my friends believe that I dance and drink my weekend away, hopping from one spot to another, maybe even from club to spa to finish my drunken ride with a sexual escapade. Imagine how they widen their eyes in disbelief when I tell them that I only club about once a month and they are usually at straight venues. And I've never stepped into a gay spa before. Not that I'm being an elitist and snubbing gay businesses but it's so much more convenient for me to go to a regular club, as opposed to making my way down to Tanjong Pagar just to see the same old crowd and faces. ONSs don't really work for me, as I admit I'm a stubborn romantic. Which brings me to...

Yes, long term relationships can and do happen.
If there's myth that has a bigger hold than any other, both in the straight faction as well as in ours, it's the fact that long term relationships (if not lifelong ones) do happen. And I have living examples around me. Though some will throw the statistics at me and say that the rate of failure is high, my gauntlet to them is this - if you let the statistics convince you, then you'll never try with all your heart. And if you never commit your whole being into a relationship believing it will work, how could it?

So I conclude my little (though definitely not exhaustive) list of common myths about gayhood with one resounding reiteration... I don't like PINK!

*****

Of Open and Closed Relationship

I am not sure if you get this in heterosexual relationships. In our world, relationships between a couple can be of 2 types - Open and Closed.

What is an Open Relationship ?
It roughly equates to - Let's love each other but feel free to go out and have sex with others just to satisfy your lust.

Closed Relationship is your typical sexually faithful relationship where fidelity is a major concern.

Then of course, you have the "sex buddy" kind where all is just sex and no love.

So how did "Open Relationships" come about ? It is really that guys are just so sexual that tying them down is unrealistic and in a relationshihp with TWO guys instead of just one, chances of infidelity happening is doubled ?

Or is it just a kind of relationship where "sex buddies" wants to be more than buddies. They want the companionship and feeling of love, yet do not like the commitment involved.

I have not heard about Open relationships in the hetero world, except for occassional spouse turning a blind eye to his/her partner's infidelity, or pretending it does not exist. I haven't heard of any cases where it is actually accepted.

I had an open relationship before. We were both younger and lustier. On my part, it is more of wanting "fresh meat". It is just plain sex and fun. I still loved my boyfriend. He is free to have fun too. When I know about it, I would like to ask questions like "How was it ?", "Was he better ?", "How big is he ?", etc.

Man, blogging about this made me horny again. Ha ha. So you see, with such high sex drive, no wonder I was doing all these.

Asked myself in the long term. Can open relationships last ? Are they stronger or weaker than the traditional closed relationship ?

I guess it all depends on individuals. My open relationship lasted 5 years. Of course, the last couple of years, the love has dwindled. Still, it was heartbreaking during the break-up.

I am all FOR open relationships, provided both parties meet the following requirements :
- Honesty
- True love for each other
- No feeling of jealousy, especially when the other partner has found a guy better in bed than you

If any of the above is not there, I think open relationships will not last.

One convenience of being Gay

Well, I have to admit. There are times when being gay is inconspicuous - Toilet Sex.
The straights have it tough.

It came across my mind when a friend described seeing a guy and a gal went to the ladies when she walked out of the ladies. Obviously, they were going in to have sex.

Then it occurred to me, that as a gay guy, toilet sex is pretty easy to accomplish. I am sure lesbians have their fair share of fun too.

So there. Not all is bad. Ha ha.

Oh, in case you are wonder - I am not going to admit nor deny whether I had toilet sex.

Confessions of a Gay in Singapore

Hi, I am 32yo, Chn, M, 173, 68


Oh, sorry. For a while, I thought I was giving an introduction in a gay chatroom. Those are the standard introduction.

Strange, because in the real world, nobody gives introduction of themselves like that. I have been to a straight sex chatroom and it is just as direct. So it is the sex thing, nothing to do with sexuality.

I have been living in the closet for about 3 years and halfway out of the closet for almost 10 years now. By halfway I mean I am not totally out to the whole world. People who do not know that I am gay includes my family and colleagues.

After all these while, I guess I just want to vent my frustrations and voice my opinion on the things that a "normal" gay guy faces and deals with everyday.

Maybe, and just maybe, by doing that, I will feel better on the whole.