My Time as a Paedophile

When I got to know my second boyfriend. Everyone around me screamed "Paedophile !" and "Cradle-Snatcher !". I am not exaggerating.

I was 29, and he was 18+. It was just 2 months after I ended my relationship with my first bf. (My first bf was not my first relationship, in case you are wondering.)

I told him that it would most probably be a rebound affair and would not last. Still we had a "fling" for 3 months. His name is A.

A had just finished JC2, and just finished taking his A-levels. He was a little chubby, but looks cute. When my ex-landlord first found out that A was only 18, he gave me 'the look' and said "Wah ! You craddle-snatcher ah ?"

When my other friends (mostly straight) got to know A, we spent quite sometime together. But A couldn't really integrate with my friends that well. I guess not everyone can communicate with 18yo guys.

Out of respect, my friends didn't really object to our relationship or anything, except the occassional teasing of me being a paedophile.

I can summarize basically why I broke up the relationship :

(1) Different concept of the value of money.

Once, during a long talk, I offered A 2 choices. One was to get a fixed allowance of $200 per month from me. He can use it anyway he wants. The other, was to give him a credit card, but he has to pay me back whatever he spent on. The card is just to give convenience.

His question to me was "How much is the credit limit ?" I said it was $3,000. His final question was "Up to you lor. Between $200 and $3,000, you think lah." I was totally perplexed.

One is money for him to keep. The other is convenience and maybe "prestige", since he has been saying that his friend have debit cards and all sorts. How does he make the apple to beef comparison ?

(2) Childish and Vain behaviour.

He has many childish gestures. Not that I mind alot, but it is just evidence of childish mentality. Also, he compares latest mobile phones with peers, having debit/credit cards with peers, asking me why I do not buy a car, etc.

I guess that comes with the package of him being a teenager and all. And the fact that I was on austerity drive didn't help.

(3) Not much common interest.

Other than the great sex, we do not have much common interest. I think that is one great factor in maintaining a relationship.

I have always thought that age difference is not very important. Most of the time, it is the mentality that comes with the age that makes the difference. And in relation, I guess the difference between 2 persons the age of 18 and 28, is much greater than the difference between 2 persons the age of 38 and 48.

*****

Was watching South Park recently and last night I came across this episode with "NAMBLA". In the show, the man was defending his position with "I was born this way", "It is easier to prosecute something you do not understand". And the argument was "Hey Dude ! You have sex with children !"

It sounds EXACTLY like the defense from gays. The only difference here is children. Now I am sure we are all against rape and forcing sex on children. But what about pre-pubesent boys who are willing ? Early Teens who know what they are doing ?

I guess that is the stand of NAMBLA. I have yet to form my opinions on it, thus I shall not agree or disagree. But the fact is, children are smarter and more knowledgeable nowadays. I am sure there are even minors committing crimes knowing that they are immune to the laws.

Teenage boys and girls experimenting with sex. Be it straight or gay sex, it should not matter to them. Why is it that many people are more acceptable to a 14yo boy have sex with a girl, than if the same 14yo boy have sex with another boy ? Their reactions are different !

If sex is bad for them at that age, it shouldn't matter who they do it with : girl, boy, dog or sheep.

Our Government has Done It Again !

Oh yes, I am again amazed at how coherent our policy makers are. Only recently in Parliment, did Dr. Balaji Sadasivan mentioned that there is a big spike in HIV & AIDS cases among gay men in Singapore.

And on Sunday, 20th March 2005, Senior Minister of State for Information, Communications and the Arts & Health Dr. Balaji Sadasivan called "for champions in the gay community to step forward and stand up for zero tolerance of unsafe sex practices".

To his credit, his crusade against HIV/AIDS is targetted at both heterosexuals and homosexuals.

Thus, when a Christian support group, Safehaven, is negotiating with the Media Development Authority (MDA) to hold a concert to promote safe sex among Singapore's gay and lesbian community, I thought it would be approved. At least, it would be inline with what Dr. Balaji said.

However, MDA announced that they rejected the application for the concert with the reason that "Alternative lifestyles are against the public interest."

That is because the 2 main actors, Jason and Demarco, are gay. Also, "Based on the reports about the duo's performances in the United States and the duo's website, the duo uses their musical performance and their own example of being a couple to celebrate and promote a gay lifestyle."

So how do you teach gay men to practise safe sex, when you do not want to talk about gay sex ? And how is that going to promote a gay lifestyle ? All heterosexual men suddenly would want to practise safe gay sex ?

Imagine someone were to propose this public seminar on how to reduce terrorist in Singapore, which includes a performance showing how a terrorist go about planning and putting a bomb in Singapore and what are the ways to twart this terrorist. Would MDA reject it because that would be promoting a terrorism lifestyle ?

Think Frontline. Or maybe it was because the terrorist died in the end. So that is acceptable. So how about getting the concert changed such that the gay characters die of AIDS after having gay sex. Would that be OK then ? Would that be in our public interest ?

How about this project that touches on lives of criminals, showing how they led their criminal lives and persuading the society to accept them and give them a second chance after being released from prison ? Wouldn't all Singaporeans then turn itno criminals, thinking that "It's ok, just spend a while in jail and things would be fine." Wouldn't that be against the public interest ?

I think you, gentle readers, can draw your own conclusions.

*****

March 23rd 2005, TODAY :


THE Media Development Authority (MDA) has denied reports that it is considering giving a proposed gay concert the green light.

In an email to Today, MDA spokeswoman Koh June May said: "We are not in the midst of holding any negotiations or discussions with the group on this issue."

Yesterday, this newspaper reported that Christian group Safehaven was negotiating with MDA to hold a charity concert by gay pop duo Jason and deMarco next month.

The group, which claims to be the only gay affirmative Christian support group here, applied for an Arts and Entertainment Licence about two weeks ago, but their application was rejected last Friday in a brief faxed letter.

"Alternative lifestyles are against the public interest," said the MDA in the letter.

"Based on the reports about the duo's performances in the United States and the duo's website, the duo uses their musical performance and their own example of being a couple to celebrate and promote a gay lifestyle," it said.

When asked why Safehaven had not been forthright about the rejection when contacted on Monday night, spokeswoman Susan Tang said: "We did not want to say it was rejected as we wanted to give MDA a chance to reconsider our application.

According to her, half the tickets have been sold. But the organisers are not giving up without a fight.

Yesterday, in an appeal letter to Dr Lee Boon Yang, Minister for Information, Communications and the Arts, Safehaven enclosed footage of the duo's performance, saying their act was "strictly professional". — Ansley Ng

*****

Being Top and Bottom

This term is almost a daily vocabulary in the gay man's life. So what does these terms mean ? And how do I interpret them ?

Basically it is a term to describe sexual positions during copulation. Top = the penetrator ; Bottom = the penetrated. Then there are also guys who are "flexible" or "versatile" which means they can take on either role. Of course, the penetration here refers to anal sex.

This got me thinking about a few concepts :

(1) The link to the "male" and "female" concept, similar to a heterosexual coupling
(2) The common emotional load to "Top" being more superior
(3) Sexual compatibility is more than just "Penetrator-Penetrated" roles.


1) Male vs. Female

I think this concept does not need introduction. Almost everyone will think that it is natural that a male copulate with female. Many gay guys that I know of actively seek someone of the other role. (A Top seeking a Bottom, and vice versa).

Seeking someone due to preference is ok, I have nothing against that. If you can only experience orgasm by penetration another male, fine. If you cannot be satisfied unless you feel a penis plowing your rear, I am ok with that too.

I already have many straight friends asking who is the "1" and who is the "0" (terms that was popularized by several Hong Kong chinese movies quite a few years ago) in my relationships. The "1" refers to the "male" of the relationship and the "0" refers to the female. I refuse to answer the question.

Thus again, the heterosexual concept of Male vs Female roles and sexual positions are reinforced. Or maybe I am too sensitive, but the smirks, the grins that I read from people's face when they speak of someone being the "0" or being the Bottom, told me my sensitivity is not misplaced.

Hearing those from straight guys are fine. I can attribute that to pure ignorance due to their lack of capacity to understand how gays think and feel. But to get the same kind of reaction from gay guys as well simply irks me.

Come on, you are already in an unconventional homosexual relationship, involving 2 males. Why the heck do you want to conform and play a "male + female" role ?


2) Top is Superior

As with the associations above, the Top guy is usually related to someone masular, manly, and all those. Any gay guys who are sissy, soft, effeminate, are usually thought to be a bottom.

I have seen this stereotyping from straight guys as well as gay guys. Why ? I do not know. But I guess the association of effeminate guys with being the female role, and female is the bottom in any sexual relationship. I mean, female do not have penis.

For every single case of this stereotype, I can find a anti-thesis. I have known many gay guys who are manly and totally do not reek of "I am gay" to any casual observer, to be a Bottoms and enjoy it. There are also many effeminate guys who are only Tops.

I have seen in many of my social gatherings that even gay guys have this association. When they talk about someone, and they do not like this person, they will make fun by associating this person to being a Bottom.

I guess this Top being powerful is one of the reasons why there are so many "rape" cases in prison. Including female wardens sodomizing the prisoners with their own genitals or equipment. The mere act of penetration is, instinctively, associated with power. And the prisoner/captive is powerless to resists and being penetrated is a huge shame.

You can see it happening in many war zones, including the recent Iraqi prisons.


3) Sexual compatibility is more than just Top/Bottom

Intuitively, the term Top and Bottom refers to position in bed. And since when is the "Top" associated with "Penetrator" ? Even in Hollywood movies, there are almost equal instances of the man being on Top and woman being on Top.

Thus, there is another role, called "Active" and "Passive", but is seldom used now. Active refers to someone who does most of the action in bed, while the Passive one simply lies one the bed. Thus the one on "Top" is usually the active one.

There are active males and also active females in heterosexual sex acts. So in the gay world, there are also active Tops and active Bottoms in homosexual sex acts. I think I do not have to describe them to you. You can imagine the penetrator being on top, or the penetrator simply lying in bed.

So if a gay Top(Penetrator) finds a gay Bottom, and both are passive ? Ta da ! No sex ? Ha ha.

Also, can 2 Top(Penetrator) gays have a fruitful relationship ? That is basically asking "Can 2 males have a fruitful relationship ?" Think about it. Is a relationship simple about sexual complementary positions ? Must anal sex be involved all the time ?





So my gay friends out there, please do not help to perpetuate the stereotype that the straight people have of us. Also do not live in the homosexual relationship modelling the heterosexual one. Live on your own !

Do I have AIDS ?

This issue has been talked about. Adri wrote it well in Airborne Diseases and Synonym Gay:AIDS.

Many of her points reflect what I feel. Although I most probably couldn't put it as well as she did.

I am beyond any urge to discuss or defend such accusations. I have simply come to terms that such ignorant and irresponsible behaviour is accepted by our conservative majority.

Looking at the statistics of the increase in absolute numbers of gay men having HIV/AIDS, I can think of a few reasons :

(1) Look at Fridae and SGBoy websites, you will see many messages and ads telling people to practise safe sex and to get tested. And also annonymous HIV testing are available.

(2) Seeing how information for gays are not available from other media, most internet-enabled gays will frequent these sites. Thus, lots of education actually happens

(3) Only those old-men, no-internet-at-home types lack these messages.

(4) Compare that with our straight-laced HIV/AIDS campaign in Singapore, targetting the majority of the straight population. Message is "ABSTAIN FROM SEX", "YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO HAS AIDS".. blah blah blah. Not many (I have seen a few private posters in pub toilets) have the "Practise Safe Sex" message. Why ? Because our government doesn't want to be seen as promoting casual sex.

Thus, isn't it only logical that :

(a) Gay men are more acceptable to go for HIV/AIDS testing, especially when annonymous ones are widely publicised to the gay population.

(b) Straight men are not told about safe sex practise. They are told to abstain and most horny men will just ignore that.

Also, I am sure more and more gay men are willing to tick the "homosexual" part of the form as compared to a few years ago.

What is lacking in the statistics are :

(1) the number of heterosexuals who went for testing
(2) the number of homosexuals who went for testing

True, 22% of the HIV/AIDS cases are from homosexuals. But how many gays have gone for testing ? Assuming that only 10% of the population are gay, it shows the percentage of gay population going for testing.

If we have the number, we can also see if the corresponding percentage of heterosexuals have gone for testing. That will the be a truer reflection of the reality.

Otherwise, saying that the spike in HIV/AIDS is due to gay is not wrong, but to link it to the parties is just ridiculous.

Why your friends always ask you...

My bf asked me just now, half in jest, why my other gay friends kept on asking when I am going to buy a condo. How come they know I want to buy a house ?

I told him I don't know why they asked, because I haven't said anything about buy a flat or a condo.

Hmmm. Come to think of it - most of the gay friends that I know of, who stays on their own, bought condos. In fact, only a handful had bought HDB flats.

Yes, why buy a condo ? It is expensive in terms of floor space, and I most probably do not need all the facilities. I don't mind living in a HDB flat. But the problem is, I haven't decided whether I want to buy a house or not.

Also, why the expectations to buy a condo or a house ? Is it something Singaporean, that having a family, even in our case, means having our own place ? That we have to buy ?

True, gays do not need to worry about wedding photos, wedding dinners, and kids. Does it mean that we need to buy condos to spend the money ? No wonder everyone is after the pink dollar.

*****

I don't seem to have many people coming in. Search engines not doing their jobs ? Guess I just have to live with it for now.

How do you know you are gay ?

Many people ask me : "How do you know you are gay ?"

How am I supposed to answer that ?

"How did you know you were straight ? From watching TV ?"

What is worse, are those bigots out there who think that being gay is a lifestyle. Come on ! We live in a place where every mention of the word "gay" and every film with gay theme is censored by our government.

Everything I learnt in life was telling me how to be straight. I didn't even know about such thing as "gayness" while I was young. How the heck did I choose it ?

Homosexuals in most societies, especially Singapore, are being discriminated against. I face a lot of disadvantages here (employment, marriage, housing, etc), so why do I want to live this lifestyle if I can choose ?

What ? The sex ? As if the straight-laced mainstream society is not bonking and enjoying sex ? So tell me, why on earth do I want to choose to be gay ?

**********

In primary school, I liked to peep at other guys while urinating at the urinals. Medical checkups in school were also a source for me to enjoy my sightings. Once, a classmate showed me his dick commenting that his was cut (circumcised), unlike the rest of us. I enjoyed looking at it.

Come Secondary school, I was a librarian. I read "Family Medicine" encyclopedia whenever I had the chance. Liked to look at the diagrams and photographs of the male body, especially the genitals. Extensive reading led me to conclude that my interest in other people's penis is mainly part of puberty and is a phase that everyone goes through.

In the meantime, I had girlfriends, just like everyone else. It was a hip thing to do. Having a gf was a status symbol.

Secretly, I have always fantasized sexual encounters with cute guys I saw in my school.

This "phase" never ended. Even when I masturbated, I had images of guys in my head. When I look at pornography, I look at the guys. Even in wet dreams, they are images of guys. Never once did I climax with an image of a woman in my mind.

So after a while, in JC, I started to admit that I might be bisexual. Still, no actual sexual experiences with any girl. I guess admitting to myself that I am a bi is somehow easier to accept.

Army was the time that I was quite sure I am gay. I enjoyed the showers, looking around at the other guys. Of course, I had to be careful not to sprout an erection and give myself away.

That was also the age where I had my first voluntary sexual encounter. (Yes, I was molested by a man before, when I was in Sec. 1, but it was hardly traumatizing and I am sure it had nothing to do with my being gay.)

Till today, I had a few relationships with guys, and countless gay sexual encounters. I have come to accept that I am gay, has been, and always will be.

**********

"So how do you know you are gay ?"

I know because that is what my heart is telling me. I like men - in general of course, not all men.

I know because after all these years of brainwashing by society, government, friends and relatives, I still like men more than women.

I know because after knowing that I will have to lead a life of secrecy, discrimiation, unfair policies and disappointing parents should I not become straight, I still love men and I love to have sex with attractive men.

I know because I understand myself more and this is natural for me.

My Tripartite Gay Relationships - 2

Ok. So my first attempt at a 3-way was unsuccessful. Due to what I thought was the lack of sex between Will and myself, thus jealousy crept in.

Another 1.5 years later, there was another chance. Pete met Sim a couple of times. The first time Pete brought Sim home, I took the chance to get to know Sim, and shagged him in the living room, with Pete in the bedroom. He walked out while we shagging halfway, but didn't say a thing. Yes, don't gasp. Ha ha.

I was determined to tear down any obstacles and to try to make our relationship mutually fulfilling (and I am not referring to just the sex). 3 of us went out together, stayed home together, dined together, had sex together.

Sure, we all grew close. It all seems to go smoothly. That is for almost a year. I thought things were great. Then Pete suggested a break-up. I honestly don't know, but I guess he just wanted some freedom. Maybe he hasn't experienced all the fun of a gay man in Singapore. Also maybe he now likes Sim more.

After trying to patch things up, I figured I can't get him to stay. He wants independence. And so ends our 5 year relationship.

Break up was painful but an experience, nonetheless.

So now, I can't even hold a long term relationship, what more a tripartite one. I guess relationships are just complex.

Till today, I am still in contact with Pete and Sim, though they have a series of complicated affairs since then till now. I guess all is well, as we all grew up a little more.